Day 32 - Hard to Believe

August 23

It is hard to believe that there are only three treatments to go. Just as a reminder so you don't get too excited, that doesn't mean I am done and will magically be better by the end of the month. The cumulative toll of all this radiation continues for a couple of weeks. Only then will my body try to repair the damage done by the radiation. And that says nothing of whether treatment has worked to beat the cancer.

The thing that stood out most to me today is how disconnected I have kept myself from all of this. It is like deliberate dissociation on my part. I don't know if I should think of it as effective coping or a special brand of denial. I balk at the latter only because I know what I have and I know what that could mean. But it is such a weird experience to be fully aware and present about just how much I'm fully disconnected.

I'm going to stop there because, as I mentioned to a friend in an email earlier today, these posts are probably not making much sense anymore. I know what I mean to say but fear my ability to communicate it clearly has left me.

Short story - ordinary nuking today. Nothing else new or different.