First Check Up

February 5 (written on the 6th)

I saw Dr. Khariwala today. He is the otolaryngologist. I will have checkups with him every three months.

Waiting for the Doc

The doctor did a physical examination of my neck and then used the scope to see inside my nose, mouth, and throat. After he was done he said, "Everything looks good. See you in three months." I guess that means all is well. 😂

While I am happy to get a "clean" bill of health for the moment, it will likely take some time for me to really believe I am (and will be) fine. Additionally, there is a more nagging psychological thing going on. Obviously, cancer creates changes. The degree to which and particular realms of life in which these occur will clearly vary from person to person.

I do not want to pontificate here. This is not a plea for sympathy or attention. Simply stated, I wish that all who came out of the woodwork to support me in my time of crisis didn't just fade back into the woodwork now that the crisis is seemingly over.

Cancer taught me many things. One is that I need to give more. I've not done nearly enough. So, I have been reaching out a lot to others just to check in. You matter to me.

I want to be the embodiment of Saint Nicholas. Give. Give. Give. Time. Money. Little gifts. Remembering the little things. Listening. Just saying hello. Taking the initiative to connect. Staying connected is not quotidian, like so many of our misperceived "have to" banalities.

In the grand scheme, our time here is an inconsequential blip. Now, more than ever, I refuse to accept that. I want my life's few ripples to resonate.

My thoughts right now are prohibitive in the writing process (i.e., the textbook I'm trying to write). Everything I think to write seems so wanting for profundity that it ends up on the proverbial cutting room floor before it ever mobilizes my fingers to type. I would normally feel frustrated, but this internal existential editing has left me with a helpless feeling.

Ah, if I had only a moment with Viktor Frankl...lol.